The second in my series of pseudo-sociological and armchair-psychological analyses. This time I’m aiming to tear apart ‘The Golden Rule’ which has tainted my heart and mind for as long as I can remember.
On the surface it seems quite innocuous. “I want to be treated nicely, so I should treat others nicely”, would be a straightforward and faithful interpretation of the rule and one with little to object to (one might assume). I, however, question what ‘nicely’ means in this context.
If a friend were to ask me my opinion of their outfit and I gave them a thumbs up, you might consider that to be following The Golden Rule. After all, I’d quite appreciate it if people gave me their thumbed approval of my appearance (something that I would love if you, reader, could keep in mind next time you see me). Though I would ask you to consider not to if we were located in the Middle East, given that the regionally offensive nature of the gesture would get the both of us in quite some hot water (as if I wouldn’t have been shot on sight the second I entered the country anyway).
Would the thumbs up be breaking The Golden Rule in this context? No, but I think both of us can see why it would still be a bad idea to voice one’s support in this fashion. I will admit however that this is quite an extreme case of cultural incompatibility. Let’s take an example a little closer to home.
Quite some years ago now, I had a friend who went through a rough break-up with a partner who’d been unfaithful. This was of course quite difficult for him, but since he’s not the one writing this article, what matters is how difficult this was for me. What anyone who has found themselves in a similar situation will understand, I was at a loss for what to do. Does he want to talk through the break-up? Does he just want a hug and cry his eyes out? Does he want to forget about it for a second and do something fun together? Does he want to be left alone? Does he want to burn all of her remaining possessions still left in his house in a ritualistic bonfire?
In trying to decide the best way for me to show my support, I turned to The Golden Rule. This created 2 problems:
- How could I have known how I would have wanted to be treated since I had never been in this situation?
- How could I have known for sure that he would want to be treated the same way I would want to?
Even in my best attempt at imaging myself in his scenario, I came to the conclusion that there was no way for me to answer either of those questions. So, I did something else. I asked myself, “Based on my knowledge and understanding of him as a person, how would my friend want to be treated?”
Both due to our limited capacity to imagine ourselves in hypothetical situations and the lack of homogeneity in our personalities and preferences in social interaction, basing your behaviour on a simple mantra such as this could result in wildly different results than you might have expected. People, and their problems, are complicated. There will never be a ‘one size fits all’ of mindsets or attitudes. As soon as you accept that there are no shortcuts to connecting with and understanding other people, the sooner you actually start learning how to.
That friend of mine? After a few hours of mindful and soul-searching conversation and some much needed recovery time, he got back on his feet with no problems. Though I won’t say the bonfire didn’t help.
